Top 10 Melbourne Revelry On this week 15/12/2019
Feel the rhythm. The syncopated irregular rhythm of your heart after mainlining a mixture of dark liquor, egg yolks, cream, MDMA and holiday-themed meat.
10) Darren Hanlon (Live)
What: This coming December Gympie’s own urban folk wandering son Darren Hanlon will once again traipse the towns and cities of Australia to perform what will be his 14th annual Christmas concert tour. Over so many years these shows have become legendary and beloved among his loyal followers. It’s business as usual: an intimate and informal solo performance, drawing on songs from his entire catalogue with new ones to share as well.
Why: There’s often a tiny guitar involved and a woman who dresses like every manic pixie dream girl every middle-aged director has pulled out of his arse in this guy’s musical canon. You can make your own judgements.
9) Go Deep
What: If you’re not ready to party, then fuck you. This is a party experience you won’t forget but may never remember. Bring in the holidays the right way. Experience the best in local deep/tech house and with the very best of vibes. Featuring headliners The Deepshakerz gracing you with their presence all the way from Italy, ready to show Melbourne they have absolutely no manners and droppin an absolute filthy set. Co-headlining will be the wickedly talented Clueless.
Why: Well, they’ve clearly established their target market with that bold opening line. You are free to draw your own conclusions.
8) Love After Dark Summer Rooftop Sessions
What: Enjoy Melbourne’s favourite CBD rooftop oasis for a Christmas party where everybody is invited. Kick on till after dark with all your friends & fam listening to all the best summer house, hip-hop, disco, pop, RnB & more. Music by Melbourne’s finest: ESG, Dj Crunk, J-Fresh, Rajiki, and Lotus Moonchild. Consider this the boozy session you should not miss.
Why: If you consider this the boozy session you should not miss, congratulations, you’re not suffering from alcoholism. You are, however, suffering from raver syndrome and, subsequently, there’s also a 95% chance you have gonorrhoea.
7) TR!P XL: The Kingdom of Light!
What: The year is 2088. Dark forces are trying to take control of our souls with the ambition of eradicating everything that is good and that brings joy to our lives! Our race faces a monumental challenge ahead to keep our light alive! Our Light is what connects us! It’s what brings us joy! It’s the air we breathe! And the life force of our very existence! Make a final stand against the darkness that surrounds us! Alone we are vulnerable, but together we are INVINCIBLE! Join the resistance, and DANCE for The Kingdom of Light!
Why: This is either a rave or a cult. Either way there’ll be sonic mind control, mysterious possibly fatal drugs and the use of a strange language comprised of monosyllabic words such as ‘turnt’.
6) Dolly Diamond’s Christmas Party
What: It’s the most wonderful time of the year and to make it even better, Dolly Diamond returns to The Butterfly Club with her fun & festive Christmas Party. It’s a Christmas cabaret for the whole family, except the children, definitely don’t bring the children. Featuring the delightful Cameron Thomas on piano.
Why: The drunken aunt you’ve always wanted at Christmas. Just replace the bigotry and sherry cloud with a killer outfit and a penchant for pop divas.
5) Misery: Emo Boat Party
What: Misery is returning to Melbourne this December after selling out their launch night in November with a stacked line up featuring hometown band legends in Ocean Grove and Terra.
Why: It’s time to prove yourself, emos. Your surrounded by an ocean, you’ve spent years telling everyone how suicidal you are. Go ahead. Prove it. Unless…you’ve been trying to create a reactionary identity because you’re inwardly terrified you’re not interesting, intelligent or attractive enough to get validation on your own terms. But that’s not true. Is it.
4) Jordie Lane & Friends
17th & 18th December
What: Jordie Lane returns from the USA for the annual X-Mas shindig on home turf, this time with a jam-packed variety show featuring co-writer/producer Clare Reynolds accompanied by their new string quartet, ‘The Lost Orchestra’. Musical guests throughout the evening include Alt Americana artists Tracy McNeil & Dan Parsons, plus singer-songwriter Ruby Gill. Punters will also be treated to appearances from Australian comedy royalty, Denise Scott, and the chaos of Jugglin’ John. Seasons greetings will be in party mode with the show to be hosted by international comedy star and purple puppet, Randy Feltface.
Why: An explosion of talent from every facet of entertainment all culminating in one truly mediocre night.
3) Mako Road (Live)
What: After releasing their debut EP “The Green Superintendent” in early 2018, Mako Road have established themselves as one of New Zealand’s hardest touring acts. The indie pop-rock outfit will perform three headline shows along the east coast of Australia. Formed while at the University of Canterbury, Mako Road is an indie pop-rock outfit from Christchurch, New Zealand. Mako Road are currently working on new material, with an eye towards releasing in late-2019, and this run of shows will give audiences a sneak peek.
Why: Good indie-rock from a country with a progressive, widely well-regarded leader. It’s never happened before. Perhaps this time.
2) Unicorns: A Hot Holiday Romance
What: Say goodbye to 2019 with Unicorns! To seduce your eyes, ears and hearts will be an array of talented heartthrobs: from chain saw wielding Burlesque Babe Diesel Darling, Comedian Zoe Combs Mar and Caramelsauce Mel to House of Slè. Serenading your soul will be Unicorns DJ royalty Megan Bones. As well as our faves DJ Sveta and Yvngcweed. At the stroke of midnight The Bi Life returns! You will have the opportunity to be matched up with the potential bi babe love of your life/night/next 5 seconds live on stage! So bust out your romantic/kinky ensembles and get ready to say goodbye to 2019 with a hot, queer bang!
Why: It’s one way to embrace the problematic climatic oven. Call it kinky and bang till the fast-approaching apocalypse.
1) Wheels In Motion presents Move With Us 2019
What: From the Wheels In Motion team: “As the years roll on, we reflect on just how incredible you, our community, has been in shaping Wheels in Motion and turning an idea to throw a rooftop party into a genuine movement building a more inclusive society for disabled people. Whether it’s your first of fifth Wheels in Motion event, we’re making MWU19 a day you’ll never forget. A day of celebration where we come together to move, to dance, to laugh and listen as we continue to build a more inclusive society for people of all abilities and to celebrate our beautiful community. A MWU19 ticket means you’ll be duly looked after, of course, with Melbourne’s finest food and beverage available all day long. Like years gone by, we’re assembling a brilliant line up of live artists and DJ’s to keep you moving all day and well into the evening. A movement starts with a move. This is ours.”
Why: An event that proves no matter who you are or whether or not you are differently abled, you can still contribute to the proliferation of a profoundly terrible genre of music.