Top 10 things On in Brisbane this week 28/10/2018

Clean out your hidey holes, Brisbane. Paul Kelly’s coming and he deserves some goddamn respect.


10) Noosa Triathlon Multi Sport Festival

31st October-4th November

Look at you. You broken down collection of vices. Won’t it be fun to sit there, eating a glob of fat, drinking an intoxicant and watching a bunch of people who have dedicated their lives to running, cycling and swimming in tiny sweaty shorts try to smile as their muscles scream in pain and their nipples chafe like German techno music?


9) EV Leap Launch

30th October

A showcase of innovation and the latest technology. “Experience advanced technology; Augmented / Virtual Reality, Drones, 3D Printing, Robots…” All to distract you from the hellish AI dystopia we seem to be hurtling towards. You can only abuse those damn self-service machines so much before they finally snap.


8) Ourhomeless Charity Ball

3rd November

A charity ball for the homeless. Ahh, nothing says I’m an ethical human being who truly selflessly cares about the plight of the homeless than getting dressed up in a ridiculously over-elaborate gown, getting tanked on champagne and telling yourself you’re a good person.


7) White Label Noba Spring Summer Collection

30th October

Imagine, if you will, a stroll through Monet’s garden, a walk through the famous floral sanctuary that inspired so many of the French impressionist’s wondrous works of art that celebrate Spring.  It would be quite simply…” Okay, we’re going to have to stop that promo there, because Monet, the French Impressionist, should not, ethically be dragged into what is essentially a cocktail party with a bunch of constipated people far too enamoured with different weaves of silk to be interesting, dedicated slavishly to the hellstorm of consumerism.


6) Children’s Festival

3rd November

Ah, yes. Children. We just don’t celebrate them enough. Perhaps because they’re ultimately moronic screaming piles of want and impulse and perhaps we, as a society, should collectively decided to end the whole affair. But until that moment of collective sanity, here’s one of the few days where, if you have them, you can take your children to a fair with food stalls, live music, face painting, rides, karaoke and fireworks. It’ll be the one shining memory they’ll have to look back on to blind them to the rest of their childhoods featuring general neglect and the overwhelming air that, through no real fault of their own, they’ve ruined someone’s life.’s-Festival-2018/1847aee0-d8a3-11e8-b14f-a713526e5192


5) Dog Lovers Show 

3rd & 4th November

Description’s in the title, there. An event dedicated entirely to dogs featuring games, advice, tips, breeders, products and an event so wildly loud, joyous and colourful that it will briefly distract you from the horrific truth of the torturous physical pain in which purebred (inbred) dogs lead their deformed, cancerous lives.


4) Brisbane Fashion Month Finale

31st October

Ahh, it’s finally over. But don’t whip off that training corset yet, fashionistas, and don’t you dare eat a piece of bread, because you have one final night of fashion parades, boutique fashion and beauty stalls, and the slight light-headedness that comes with not being able to properly breathe for a month in that training corset.


3) Hidey Hole

3rd November

A live music event featuring Peach Fur, The Bonnie Doons, Toxic Fox, The Yowies and CHe Burns whose promotional tagline is, “a wide spread of local bands, visual artists and a sh*t load more“. This is going to be a fun one, kids.


2) Hungaro Festival

28th October

Hungary. That country whose name you inadvertently scream when you’re drunk at two a.m. and trying to speak to the confused Ubereats driver. The Hungaro Hungarian Festival will have you eating so much goulash that you think ‘Huh. So that’s why Ubereats doesn’t have a ‘Hungarian’ section. But don’t worry, there’ll also be Hungarian beer, wine and hats that look like they’re definitely alive.


1) Yarrabah Band Festival

3rd November

It’s free. There’s Paul Kelly. You can dump your children in an area and leave them there without the cops being called. We done here?

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