Top 10 things On in Brisbane this week 05/08/2018

Better pump those quads now, Brisbane. This week is all about exhibitionism and we don’t take kindly to clothing or non-joiners.


10) Brisbane Education and Migration Expo

7th August

A melange of Australian Educational Institutions, TAFE Courses, NAATI Programs, Professional Year Programs and Migration Details all attempting to convince you that pissing away 100 bucks on a membership card is actually worthwhile. It’s not.


9) Up The Creek Festival

11th August

You’ve heard the expression. Now, wipe it from your thoughts, you monster. This is a kids festival. Live music, stalls, fresh produce, childrens entertainment. Just keep that gutter-mouth of yours shut.


8) Brisbane Wedding Expo

5th August

Yes, it’s not the most progressive of titles, however, neither is the notion of marriage. But look at it this way. You’re really getting married for the free stuff and the benefits of dual property investments (and if you’re really romantic, the utter gut-shrinking fear of dying alone), and this expo is really about condensing three weeks of potential investment portfolio-destroying frustration into one day of mildly drunk (it’s not a necessity, but is recommended) power-decision making.


7) Green Expo

7th-8th August

Nope. It’s not time to visit your hospital-ridden geriatric aunt and her fungal infection, it’s a festival of horticulture and a tribute to all things that don’t have a damn trap to open from which they can spew all kinds of vitriolic nonsense.


6) Women Empowering Women Brunch

5th August

Yeah, yeah. We know. Brunch? Come on. But…it’s for a good cause and you can view it as the organisers not bending to a cliched appropriation of women but an excuse to get plastered in the morning; a far more admirable motivation.


5) Brisbane Science Festival

11th August

“Caught the festival bug?” Well, that’s their opener so we’re assuming though there are thousands of free interactive exhibitions and talks descending upon the city…it’s definitely a cure-plugging scenario. Either that or they’re looking for some liability free test subjects.


4) Bump-in Co. Launch Party

8th August

An official launch of a company dedicated to ‘beautiful spaces and creative plan(ning)’. So, you know, at the very least, there’ll be quality hard liquor and impeccable flower arrangements you can stuff down your pants when no one’s looking.


3) SDU’s Kräftskiva

11th August

Ahh the Swedes. The quiet attractive unfairly accomplished kids in the corner who somehow manage to make utter condescension sound mildly delightful…are throwing a (thankfully alcoholic) party in celebration of their crayfish season! And, no really, you’re actually invited. But…maybe keep an eye out for any buckets on high wires. Pigs blood is a bitch to get out.’s-Kraftskiva-2018/9837dcb0-987a-11e8-a7fe-5787bc7ecd7b


2) Katy Perry

8th & 10th August

Witness. That’s what the new tour’s called. Seems she’s learned something from the correlation between concert attendees and the dramatic local increase in the sale of earplugs recorded from her last live tour.


1) Ekka Royal Queensland Show

10th-19th August

The show of the effing year, this one. You know. For farmers. “Run by the RNA for 10 days in August and staged at its original birthplace, the Brisbane Showgrounds, the Ekka brings the country and city together for a true celebration of agriculture... from woodchop to giant vegetables, 10,000 animals from beef cattle to cats and dogs, world-class live entertainment, award-winning food and wine, carnival rides and showbags, family shopping, educational activities”. This is one event that you should probably prepare the space-time continuum for. The amount of irony involved in pissing away nigh-on hundreds of dollars on what is essentially a giant barn dedicated to the humblest of professions might just cause some cataclysmic rupture.

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