Top 10 Melbourne Revelry On this week 16/09/2018

Snap your nipples into submission, Melbourne. No reason. We just think it’s good sense.


10) Zenon Records Present Ryanosauras

21st Sep

Look, he’s a techno D.J. No one ever claimed he was great at making up names…or talented with the English language. But we can guarantee his album launch of Tesseract Interface will vibrate your very bones to the point wherein the English language will lose all relevance.


9) Levels – Will Sparks

22nd Sep

That’s right, Sparky. You’re old. He’s not. And he’s already achieved more in his backwards-cap-wearing life that you ever will. Come, see the muscle-shirted hardstyle D.J. and drink until your drunken attempt at trying to dance to hardstyle techno doesn’t make you want to kill yourself.


8) 8 Wired Brewers Shout Free Beer!

20th Sep

Yeah, baby. You read right. The Kiwis are taking over the taps with their fine New Zealand brews…and the first beer is free. We’re pretty sure their dollar is weaker, so we think there may be some argument of lack of economic equivalence you could potentially craft in order to avoid all the head.!/4509c5e0-b9f3-11e8-b14f-a713526e5192


7) Eat The Beat : Be Crazy

22nd Sep

You heard us. For all too soon the next morning you’ll be back to eating oats and being chronically, but quietly, depressed.


6) International Talk Like a Pirate Day Party

19th Sep

Although…you know you might want to not adopt all of the phraseology so oft used by pirates. Neither we nor the organisers of this party won’t be held accountable for besmirching your criminal record with a accusations of sexual harassment.


5) Animals Dancing: Elena Colombi, Millú, Pjenné

21st Sep

We mean you, you filthy animal. Cause genre fluid (yes. who knew that was a thing?) radio D.J, party mogul and mind-bender Elena Colombi will be bending right over the gasometer, and, by gum, even Simone De Beauvoir would think she’s nuts.


4) KAIIT EP Launch

21st Sep

One of the rising up and comers on the…we want to say…Soul music scene? But who the hell know anymore, look here’s how they describe her: “With honeyed vocals, fierce rhymes and a bold eclectic style to match, Kaiit is one of Australia’s most exciting new acts, having been named one of the “Best Rappers Under 25” by Red Bull Music alongside the likes of Joey Bada$$ and Chance The Rapper.” If you want to go, she’s launching her new EP, and we can’t be screwed to pretend to be interested in new music. So it’s up to you.


3) Rutherglen in the City

22nd Sep

“The essence of Rutherglen in the city”. …No your perverted inbred Amish cousin isn’t coming to town for Rumspringa. No, thankfully, this is a pop-up wine and cocktail bar which, for two days, will be taking over Fed Square and all you need is a glass-in-hand. They’ll provide the emotional crutch.


2) I Hart Rum Festival

23rd Sep

Don’t we all? Well, all of us as humans. Whether all of our respective anatomic parts love it is a matter for the morticians to decide. A full day of rum tasting, complete with masterclasses, Jamaican food, over 30 rum distilleries and live entertainment.


1) Oktoberfest

22nd September

Yeah, but so what? It’s not really violative cultural appropriation if you’re doing it to the Germans. A night to welcome Melbourne’s Oktoberfest with all the requisite drunken debauchery and Kummerspeck you can cram down your Innerer Schweinehund.

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