Top 10 Melbourne Revelry On this week 09/12/2018

Begin this week with pride, Melbourne. Then end it with rampant arrogance.


10) Pride Centre Brunch

9th December

What: A celebration and fundraiser at the Carousel Cafe for the Victorian Pride Centre – a unique initiative providing a welcoming and safe place for LGBTIQ individuals, families, friends and organisations.

Why: Your technical morality for the week in the form of cramming your gullet full of buttery gourmet food.


9) The HIIT Factory Christmas Party

15th December

What: A party like no other with a Kombi Keg which will have 6 x taps across beers, wines, ciders and softies. The Kombi will be parked out front and the inside will look more like a disco than a gym as the light turns to dark. DJ action, disco lights, dancing is mandatory!

Why: A christmas party in a gym with the kind of people who go to the gym. We can’t think of anything more enjoyable than seeing the kind of obnoxious assholes who wear fitbits powering through drinks infamous for making Mr Rogers obnoxious.


8) The Doof

14th December

What: An incredible night full of colours, music, market stalls, custom decor, lasers and pure energy. 2 rooms of music of Techno & Psy Trance and a secret international headliner.

Why: Or you could skip the social pressure, stay home, throw a bunch of paint around the room and feed a cat into a shredder. It’s about the same visual and auditory experience.


7) Sunday Funday Summer Boat Party

9th December

What: Wear your best summer outfits and let loose on this tropical boat! The beats are gonna be loud but relaxing as you watch the sunset.

Why: It’s all the fun of a loud DJ set in a sweaty bar, but you’re on a boat in the ocean. So there’s no escape. Unless you’re willing to face the wrath of mercury-fuelled fish.


6) Smalltown Official After Party with Marcel Dettmann

9th December

What: Marcel Dettmann’s Teutonic brand of techno has turned him into a global superstar. This performance machine has a technical proficiency rarely seen and will be hosting Smalltown’s official after party.

Why: He’s a resident DJ at Berghain, notoriously known as the hardest club to get into in Berlin. The social prestige of seeing this guy live is sure to legitimise 4 hours of music so assaultive to every one of your senses that you have to consume 3 litres of whisky just to be able to sufficiently dull your senses.


5) Recovery Sessions With Melbourne Underground

9th-10th December

What: It’s finally here. The mysterious Melbourne Underground collective have unveiled the location and lineup for their first secret party. If you’ve never been able to catch a Berlin techno rave, this could be the solution.

Why: We’re not sure why there seems to be a violent resurgence of the 80s nostalgia in today’s youth. Perhaps because they weren’t actually bloody alive then and don’t have to actually remember Ronald Reagan, the Cold War or Huey Lewis & The News.


4) Stay Gold Comedy Launch featuring Dave Callan

9th December

What: Stay Gold Comedy brings the best established comics as well as some awesome up and coming comics to Brunswick. Headlining this comedy night is the incredible Dave Callan! You know Dave as star of Triple J radio and original Rove cast member.

Why: Rove. Remember Rove? Yeah. Us neither. We have a very vague image of a short man and…maybe Hamish and Andy were there.


3) Slum Sociable

13th December

What: The night of festive cheer will be complete with a very special guest DJ all the way from the North Pole and candy canes up for grabs on arrival also featuring live the DJ talents of Two People and Ro.

Why: Nothing says hip DJ night like an obese bearded marketing relic from the 30s.


2) Shania Twain NOW Tour 

11th & 12th December

What: In celebration of Shania’s third consecutive #1 album – she brings her NOW Tour to Australia. Shania is a five-time Grammy Award-winner and the reigning Queen of Country Pop.

Why: It seems she’s still alive. Who knew? Yes, Twain is once again on tour. She’s “still the one”…the one out of many ageing remnants of the 80s desperately trying to cling on to relevance whilst they circle the inevitable eternal darkness.


1) The Petting Zoo Festival 

15th December

What: A wild music festival where 30 + artists have been booked to deliver constant aural pleasure through finely tuned Funktion-One systems. Tasty treats and zoo themed drinks will be available all day to wet your beaks with. Live and static art installations will be scattered around the enclosure so you can explore and discover throughout the day along with roving performers and magicians.

Why: It’s everything to hate about our loud, assaultive, human peacock-ery in one convenient location.

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