Top 10 Melbourne Revelry On this week 03/02/2019
The comatose are waking up, Melbourne. Unfortunately, due to brain damage, they can only communicate in inoffensive pop rock.
10) Blend 1st Bday
What: Come celebrate a year of Blend with a special B2B party! Featuring: Benji B2B Escargo, Gram B2B Alpha Blonde, Tangent B2B BLK KVR, Concealed B2B Edward Richards and DNGN MSTR B2B Lucky Pereira.
Why: Don’t worry, we have you covered. According to urban dictionary, B2B means: “Two DJs playing together. While one DJ is spinning a record, the other one is picking a new track. As they normally store their records behind them this usually makes the DJs face backwards on each other.” So it’s the musical equivalent of ordering a double burger. You’ve already gone past the point of diminishing returns and the chances of you having a massive coronary will be increased to 200%.
9) Sriracha Daytime Boat Party
What: All aboard the Sriracha Boat Party! Enjoy afrobeats & good vibes on the open sea. Featuring: Jerry C, Nay Nay, Slick P, Mai and Chrstn Dean.
Why: We are unsure as to why this is named for a Thai sauce considering it features afrobeats but any event that allows for the illusion of seeming au fait with two cultures and liquor is a damn good investment.
8) Riton & Kah-Lo Live
What: Kah-Lo is the Nigerian-born rising star, who has enjoyed an incredible 2016 with chart-topping hit ‘Rinse & Repeat’; her infectious collaboration with London-based producer Riton. Now, the pair reunite for a collaborative album due for release later in 2018, evolving this formidable musical partnership into a full-length studio LP.
Why: We’re not well affiliated with this kind of music, so we’ll just say one thing: we didn’t know that something that contained no melody could be called music. The more you know.
7) Official Frank Green × ST. ALi × MICE After Party
What: Kicking off the night with a complimentary cocktail upon arrival by legends Starward Whisky served through a tricked out La Marzocco Linea mini coffee machine, this celebration of Melbourne Coffee week will also feature a list of rotating DJs and demonstrations by latte art champ Shin Fukayama.
Why: Be as drunk as you are awake. Screw yoga. This is true spiritual balance.
6) Go Deep feat. Shortround and Sammy La Marca
What: Go Deep is back bigger & better on a new boat! Go overboard and set sail into the night with Shortround, Sammy La Marca, Eliza Brayshaw, Madeleine & More!
Why: Haven’t heard of some of these mix artists? Well, just imagine the buttery vocals of Nancy Sinatra. Then imagine Nancy Sinatra being murdered by a walking shredder with chainsaws for arms that feeds on live cats and you’ve got an indication as to the chill aural vibes of this summer boat party.
5) Mitski Live
What: Hailed as the new vanguard of indie rock, Japanese-American singer-songwriter MITSKI returns to Australia. Known for her magnetic on-stage energy, Mitski’s eccentric brand of indie-rock is unlike anything else around. Her live show is garnering international acclaim, accentuated by the artist’s provocative, exaggerated movements; it’s an experience not to be missed.
Why: ‘The new vanguard of indie rock’? We assume they mean vanguard as in ‘the foremost part of an advancing army or naval force’. Those hipsters may seem like the antithesis of an oppressive army, but when was the last time you’ve expressed an opinion about a current indie rock band to a group of its fans without feeling like Dr. Bennell?
4) Where The Wild Things Are Music & Arts Festival
What: Discover and share a whole range of knowledge through creativity, freedom of expression & environmental awareness at this festival of the dark and light elements of nature. With diverse music across 3 exciting stages; markets and art during the daytime and an 18+ after party at Rubix Warehouse.
Why: It does seem strange to us how a book about a spoilt little brat not learning his goddamn lesson and descending into delusional fantasy can so resonate with grown adults who still attend music festivals…never mind. We just got it.
3) Midsumma Festival
What: Midsumma Festival is Melbourne’s annual celebration of LGBTQIA+ arts culture and Melbourne’s diverse communities!
Why: Remember those bigoted geriatric relatives that still haven’t left your house since Christmas? Well, what a way to send those frigid freeloaders packing!
2) John Butler Trio & Missy Higgins Tour
What: Aussie music icons John Butler Trio and Missy Higgins are joining forces. The tour will finally reunite two artists whose early careers were closely intertwined.
Why: A white guy with dreads and a vaguely bisexual white chick with short hair reuniting after 15 years? Why, it’s the paragon of essentially stymieing progressionist music.
1) St Jerome’s Laneway Festival
With Australian debuts from future RnB superstar JORJA SMITH, beloved heartstring puller REX ORANGE COUNTY, teen sensation CLAIRO, hip hop’s brightest new star DENZEL CURRY plus unmissable sets from the mighty GANG OF YOUTHS (their headline set will be their last Australian appearance for a very long time), peerless electronic pioneer JON HOPKINS, Australian songwriter royalty COURTNEY BARNETT and much, much more, the original boutique touring festival is setting up to be the highlight of your summer.
If the highlight of your summer is listening to generic pop on a hot patch of land, well, we can’t help but feel this is one argument in favour of denying the existence of global warming. We can’t begin to imagine how tedious every other season of the year must be for you. Why not make the hottest season get progressively longer, year after year, until you finally die on the same hot patch of land from heat exhaustion and stop depressing your loved ones?