Top 10 Melbourne Culture On this week 30/09/2018

Scrub your tongue and drizzle some lube down your throat, Melbourne. We’re cramming all kinds of intellectual and cultural appreciation down you this week.


10) Juice Fair

2nd October

No, it’s not an orgy. There are no euphemisms here. Because people who like euphemisms generally possess some kind of a sense of humour and people who drink healthy juices recreationally are entirely bereft of that.


9) Coburg Wellness Market

6th October

It’s a market of wellness. And considering you’ve started bleeding from holes you’re not that well acquainted with it’s probably a wise place for you to go. 88 standholders, 2000 square meters, music, craft, fashion, homewares, health professionals, food. So many ways to deny yourself that expensive surgery you clearly desperately need.


8) Sweat Festival

6th October

Again, not an orgy. In the physical sense, at least. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be an orgiastic stroking of the kind of ego one somehow attains from attending a HIIT session followed by a yoga session in a spandex-swaddled ass. Oh yes, and there’ll be drinking. At least one thing we can understand.


7) Oktoberfest Melbourne Chicken Dance Party

6th October

Yes, we did call you that. And we accept full responsibility for the repercussions. So after pistols at dawn, go drink german beer, compete in a world record attempt in a hat more ridiculous than that cowboy one you’re wearing, and stuff your violent soul with fried dead bird.


6) Revolution International Dance Championship

6th October

An international dance championship. So come, support, and laugh your ass off at people thinking moving their limbs in a particular fashion without constructing an ikea shelf is a valid life choice.


5) Melton Lifelong Learning Festival

5th-7th October

Yes. Apparently, we have to continue acquiring knowledge until we die. We’re exhausted already and we have to go to a festival dedicated to the fact that we’re not ever going to be that successful at it.


4) The Woman

5th October

Wait, don’t hate us yet. We’re fragile and terrible. Genitals have nothing to do with it. a new contemporary dance work with the tagline “She has the power to both silence a room and make it erupt – the woman“. Oh no. Now the NSA is going to be on our ass.


3) One Artist’s Trash

6th October

Probably has more intellectual validity than the entirety of your university education. So you might as well try to cram some cultural event down your hatch to delude yourself into thinking you might possess some version of intelligence. A 2 hour session wherein artists will bring in what they no longer want or need and then collaborate to create, out of that detritus, new artworks that no one will ever want or need.’s-Trash/29af4b20-c674-11e8-b14f-a713526e5192


2) Flavour Fest

5th October

Discover a delicious blend of fiery, sweet and smoky sensations at the launch of Flavour Fest – a brand new BBQ inspired festival” – that’s the thing you’ll need to email to your doctor to get bumped up on the colonoscopy list the next day. oh yes, and some people from Masterchef will be there.


1) Cher – Here We Go Again! 

3rd October

Oh, boy. We’ve never been advocates of the exclamation point. However, in this case it seems her tour managers have had the foresight to preemptively dictate how we should otherwise inflect the tour name in our heads. The pop icon and exclamation point enthusiast is back.!-Tour-2018-Melbourne/054e8cb0-57d3-11e8-93ea-bfdb9889e3bf

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