Top 10 Melbourne Culture On this week 22/07/2018
Wake up, Melbourne. It’s time you remember what you’ve forgotten. Cause it’s wielding a bloody weapon of vengeance in your face. And you best do your darndest to pay attention this time.
10) Open House Melbourne: Meat Market
Yes, we are referring to a literal meat market. So you can put away your g-string and/or singles (we thought it best to cover all motivational bases). Explore the heritage-listed building and current cultural hub. Though…they haven’t strictly provided a dress code so it’s not to say there WON’T be the less traditional kind of meat market.
9) “In the Name of Confucius” Film Premiere
Ahh, a film premiere. One of the few places you can wear a cape and not be expected to be morally obligated to save someone from a mugging. Though that’s not to say this isn’t a morally stirring affair. A documentary that exposes the controversies surrounding the Chinese Government’s multi billion dollar Confucius Institute; you’ll have intellectual party ammo for at least the next two weeks.
8) Movie Mayhem
Children. One of life’s greatest journeys. And you know the best parts of journeys? The silent ones. Yes, with a treasure hunt, games, dress ups and at least 2.5 hours of shutting up in front of a massive attention-holding screen, this is one of the bits of the journey you won’t have to blank from your memory using your special grown-up sippy cup.
7) The New York Classic
‘EY! We’re walkin’ here! To San Telmo. Then we’re going to sit down and gorge until our guts are uncomfortable and distended. Old-school New York style.
6) Forgotten Faces
It’s been too long, Melbourne. Down in your little gilded world of cafes and hand-crafted goat wool beanies. You need to be jolted out of your comfortable reverie and realise that which history has chosen to ignore. And what better way than an exceedingly Instagrammable art exhibition?
5) Docklands Winter Experience
Down at the docks is where your sweetheart’ll be. Waiting for you. And there’s a whole carnival with real snow, a virtual reality snowball slinger, ice carving demos and a huge wooly mammoth where you can dump your worthless family and sail off into the sunset together.
4) Firelight Festival Long Table Dinner
Sit down, shut up, warm your bones by the fire and use that tongue for something other than spouting unresearched opinions on GMOs or livening up your grandmother’s funeral with the hired pallbearer.
3) Blackie Blackie Brown
Widening your cultural horizons. Yes, we know. It’s often our least favourite application of the word and act of ‘widening’. However, you really really won’t regret this one. A classic arse-kicking blaxsploitation revenge story of an indigenous superhero out for live-action blood. Reconciliation has never so effectively incorporated the use of high octane weaponry.
2) Mystery Degustation Dinner at Winter Night Market
True surprises are somewhat rare these days. True, this constantly unstable world environment has left us in a general state of perpetual fear. So it’s rather comforting when a surprise is genuine yet so gentle that we won’t have to attempt to figure out how to build a secret personal bomb shelter beneath a 10th story apartment.
1) Kraken Kristmas in July
Dark cocktails, a Johnny Cash aesthetic and a snow-globe full of imprisoned violinists. A Christmas of your darkest most pleasurable fantasies.