Top 10 Melbourne Culture On this week 19/08/2018

Choose your weapons, Melbourne, for this week we wage war on winter, and there’s a whole artillery of instruments at your disposal.


10) Docklands Winter Experience

21st-28th August

Down at the docks is where your sweetheart’ll be. Waiting for you. And there’s a whole carnival with real snow, a virtual reality snowball slinger, ice carving demos and a huge wooly mammoth where you can dump your worthless family and sail off into the sunset together.


9) Julia Gillard on Passion, Politics and Power

23rd August

Yeah…she’s still alive.  And if theres anything that so accurately proves the delusional belief of politicians of their relevance beyond their actual time in office, it’s this event. But, hey. She wasn’t the worst. And there’s nothing more delightful than to see the embodiment of priggish ego pathetically collapsing into their own irrelevance.


8) Pride Formal

25th August

It’s free. It’s safe. And it’s about time. Embrace pride, diversity and inclusion – wear it purple and wear whatever the hell you want in this night of freedom, celebration, live music, dancing and mitigating centuries of anger and pain with some effing joy.


7) Coedo and Cheese

23rd August

Milk it, baby. Right down your throat. A night of Japanese beer and four artisan cheeses that’ll have you sucking not simply from the metaphorical and analogous teat of mother liquor, but the literal product of that visually…discomforting…throbbing sack of delicious cow product.


6) AV Worldwide Meet Up

25th August

Shhhh. You’ll need your to save your voice for all the protest screaming you’ll de doing, dammit. With 600 chapters worldwide, and at least 3 hit shows and 2 movies based upon the notion of their existence that far overreaches in terms of their actual power, Anonymous for the Voiceless’s Melbourne chapter are holding a boozy three course vegan night of post-animal-rights-march awareness and…given the existence of their private bar…ever-so-slightly decreasing awareness.


5) Igloo Wonderland

21st August-15th September

A pop up of wintry marshmallow-stuffed igloos on the banks of the Yarra – and this time, they’re not as a result of murderous gypsies. Gypsies tend to prefer jellybabies.


4) Melbourne Writers Festival

24th August-2nd September

It begins. For ten days, MWF will bring the “city of Melbourne to literary life”. A hell of a departure isn’t it? If it doesn’t translate, here, we’re being facetious. We are veterans of too many Melbourne cafes to actually believe this will be a true departure from the norm. But, hell, at least you’ll get good use of the MWF hashtag when you intermittently take advantage of a system that limits characters and primarily utilises non-word emotional simplifiers to distill into catchy intellectually barren soundbytes the emotional and political complexities of our age.


3) Mont Plonk at Melbourne Public

1st-26th August

Ahhh. It’s one of those times wherein we believe the description comes best from the horse’s mouth.”Welcome to a place where the only thing cheesier than the fondue are our ski suits. A place where ski bunnies roam free and shot skis go down faster than a Norwegian on a luge. Welcome to Melbourne’s first and finest après ski destination.” And just so you don’t miss us too much in this description…there’ll be ass-loads of liquor infused hot chocolate.


2) Melbourne International Piano and Strings Festival Gala Concert

21st August

It’s…not our most tantalising pitch…but it will be to your significant other as you blast their subtle condescension with the epitome of musical supersciliousness. This year’s gala concert features some of Australia’s most celebrated classical musicians, including Trio Anima Mundi (Kenji Fujimura, Rochelle Ughetti, Noella Yan), Ian Holtham (Piano), Tamara Smolyar (Piano), and Lisa Grosman (Viola).


1) Trevor Noah: End Of Days

23rd August

Trevor Noah, host of the Emmy and Peabody Award–winning program The Daily Show in the US is manifesting in all his brilliant glory in Melbourne. Oh, believe us. You need to buy these tickets.

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