Top 10 Melbourne Culture On this week 16/12/2018

Check your fly, Melbourne. We’re shoving you down the crack.


10) Between Two Worlds | Escher X nendo Exhibition

16th-23rd December

Why: Featuring more than 160 extraordinary prints and drawings by Dutch artist M.C. Escher, presented in an immersive environment created by acclaimed Japanese design studio nendo, this exhibition intertwines the worlds of both artist and designer in a masterful and enigmatic visual presentation.

Why: Ah, what a relief. Finally, an M.C. on the list that isn’t surrounded by huge speakers and a synthesiser, yelling at everyone to ‘feel the beat’. But it’s not all good news. There’s definitely a dollar sign hanging around this guys neck.


9) Japanese Festive Market

16th-22nd December

What: The festive market stall returns to Kimono House this year! The gallery space will once again be filled with unique Japanese gifts and festive trims for you to browse in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Why: Entering in to this gallery will be like stepping on to a planet surrounded by cosmic gateways. Stare simultaneously at every organism in the universe’s future christmas trash piles.


8) Art Lovers Breakfast

16th December

What: The LUMAS gallery is inviting you to enjoy a gorgeous buffet breakfast with their gallery directors, and take the first look at the latest additions to their photographic portfolio.

Why: Did we mention it’s free food? Well, it’s not entirely free. You still have to pretend to believe that photography is a worthwhile artistic pursuit.


7) Seensound – Experimental Synaesthesia Audio-Visual Live Performance Art

22nd December

What: A live artwork you can only understand by experiencing it. Let go of the bounds between vision and sound experience and melt your senses into an experimental synaesthesia with live performers, audiovisual and fixed media.

Why: “Let go of the bounds between vision and sound”. Kind of like when all old movie theatres were absorbed into a big conglomerate and the massively increased sound projected around what used to be a family theatre had the potential to explode the brains of small children. Which…you know…we’re not saying is a bad thing. What we’re saying is, for the love of hell, don’t bring your bloody infants to a movie theatre.


6) Gingerbread Village by Epicure

16th-24th December

What: Featuring 560 kilograms of gingerbread, 420 kilograms of royal icing, 185 kilograms of marzipan and around 900 miniature Christmas trees, as well as the first ever Osaka Castle from Melbourne’s Japanese sister city, Osaka, this year’s Gingerbread Village promises to be the biggest and best display yet! With kids activities and gourmet pastry chefs on hand, this’ll be a festive treat not to miss!

Why: Nothing so exemplifies the perfectly un-troubling and non-excessive nature of Western consumerism like a giant fucking cookie house that literally weighs more than a tonne.


5) Summer Night Market

19th December

What: Melbourne’s hottest summer hangout returns with over 60 global street food stalls and festival bars, more than 100 specialty fashion, homewares and general merchandise stalls. Indulge in a range of heavenly summer-style dishes; everything from sizzling skewers and Japanese sliders, to loukoumades (Greek doughnuts) and French crêpes.

Why: It will indeed be Melbourne’s hottest summer thanks to the environmental hellstorm we’ve created for ourselves. Nothing says ‘we’re taking conscious efforts to try to reverse the effects of human pollution’ like an orgy of consumerism and gluttony.


4) Free Movie Night: It’s a Wonderful Life

19th December

What: Paramount Pictures and Federation Square present this classic Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life in a free screening in the centre of Melbourne to spark the Christmas spirit. The film is all about how everyone matters and how much we touch other’s lives without knowing.

Why: And in another way, it’s about an emotionally abused and physically taxed man on the brink of insanity whose perfectly logical and understandable suicide attempt is foiled by an attention-seeking, hypocritical, judgemental bastard named Clarence.’s-a-Wonderful-Life/75278030-fffa-11e8-b14f-a713526e5192


3) Air Canada Ice Rink

16th-24th December

What: The Ice Rink will pop up under the QV Market’s 140-year-old historic sheds, allowing you to enjoy the magical spirit of a northern hemisphere Christmas! Rink-side treats will include coffee, maple syrup ice cream from the Market’s Geloso Gelateria, Canada’s legendary poutine (a national treasure of French fries, cheese curds and gravy), plus fairy floss and popcorn for little ones.

Why: Well, just be careful about exactly what aspects of the Northern Hemisphere you want to experience. If, for example you slip and fall on the ice and some snotty preteen slices your leg off you have one of several options. Either be rushed to the hospital immediately fully covered under excellent health care; or be stripped of all your clothes and forced to take out a mortgage on your house before being treated by an intern who’s on their first day; or have men in dark uniforms take you to an underground bunker where they slit your throat for threatening the regime.


2) Randy at the McKinnon Hotel

20th December

What: Australia’s premier non-human stand up comedian has had a long year: a national tour, an eight week off-Broadway season in New York City, various award nominations and too many falafels. See Randy (without Sammy J) in his natural habitat doing what he does best – appearing from the waist up while screaming into a microphone.

Why: It’ll make a nice change laughing without any sense of bitter irony at a bald puppet with some guys hand up his ass. So turn off the news about world politics and come and get drunk with a purple comedian.


1) Jim Jefferies The Night Talker Tour 

17th December

What: With a monumental seven comedy specials; his own acclaimed sit‐com (Legit) and self-titled late show on TV; sold out arenas around the world and an hour-plus of brand new material every time he hits the road with a new tour, the The Jim Jefferies Show anchor is heading back to Australia.

Why: He holds the world record for most uses of the word ‘cunt’ onstage. He’s a bloody pioneer.

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