Top 10 Melbourne Culture On this week 05/08/2018

Polish your monocles and lube your disdainful smirks, Melbourne. For it’s not your capacity for reflective appreciation you’ll be flexing this week. It never is.


10) Zero Waste Victoria Festival

5th August

Ladies, Gentleman, Others, it’s time we picked up arms and FIGHT. But uh don’t worry. We’re cowards too. And damn proud. This is a war on waste. So…we mean…we’re fully willing to accept we’re cowardly, but at least for one day make up the moral points by being a little bit less lazy know…buy some sustainably sourced tofu gravlaxers or something. At least you can say you tried.


9) The REAL Big Hug

5th August

Damn straight. Well…what we mean is, hell yeah. A celebration after the marriage equality postal vote of the massive effort of the volunteers, the campaigners and, of course, the supporters, to the tune of a colossal cupcake collage and an eve of manicure and massage.


8) Improvisé Exhibition Launch

11th August

Mainlining directly to your capacity for pretension comes Dawe’s Tangierian-inspired works detailing his fascination with theatre, love and dance…and the almighty fez.


7) Jackson’s Polished Man Private Party and Fundraiser

8th August

Kate Ceberano and Andrew DeSilva in an event space not open to the public. …Sounds like a dream doesn’t it? But in all seriousness, this event is entirely serious. You know what that means. Hand over your wallets. All proceedings from this night of live music and live artworks (including an auction) will go to ending violence against children.’s-Polished-Man-Private-Party-and-Fundraiser/edc3b9b0-95fa-11e8-b46c-77c2608f137f


6) Melbourne Art Fair

2nd-5th August

It’s your last chance to meet the minimum requirements for ‘cultured’, Melbourne. “Melbourne Art Foundation joined with over 50 Victorian cultural organisations, institutions, art spaces, satellite fairs and galleries to stage Melbourne Art Week” and today, kids, is the last day to doll yourself up, shin-holster that whisky, crack out your smart phone and Instagram as many damn photos as you can of yourself appreciating contemporary experimental art.


5) Indian Film Festival Opening Night

10th August

One of the newest fetishes of film-goers the world over is opening itself face-ward, skyward, frontward and backward and you better get in damn quick to be able to consider yourself as one of the cultural elite who liked it before it was cool.


4) Hot Chocolate Festival 

1st-31st August

31 hot chocolate flavours over 31 days. All served with an extra shot of hot couverture chocolate and a giant handcrafted marshmallow. Write that down. Send it to your doctor. Set an appointment for the end of the month.


3) West Projections Festival

4th-5th, 10th-11th August

Live projections, residents programs, virtual reality, live performance and sound-bytes across the city in a living monument to the capacity for contemporary artists to confuse and intimidate the living f-k out of tourists and Melbournians alike.


2) Celine Dion

7th-8th August

50 million albums, 30 years, 5 grammys, 2 academy awards, 7 music awards. She just…won’t…die. Come experience the zombified zircon (she’s gotta be at least 70% made up of it by now) live in all her sparkling glory.


1) Jimmy Webb Tour

9th August

With his own friends and keys and credit cards. One of America’s greatest song writers -though in the current climate that standard has undoubtedly been warped in some strange manner – is coming back to Australian shores joined by Barnesy, David Campbell Kate Ceberano, Ed Kuepper and Ian Moss.


Honourable Mention:

Michelangelo Private Collection Exhibition

2nd-10th August

And all the best private parts too. Michelangelo knows (knew) how you perverts like it.

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