Celebrate the Class of 2020 with Mother

We’re almost at the half way point of 2020.

It would seem like the logical visceral reaction to the past six months or so would be one of exhaustion, of having emotionally aged ten years within a very short period of time. But rather than adding years onto our internal lives, the year 2020 has resulted in a mass infantilisation.

The beginning of the second decade of the new millennium is shoving us all back up into the womb, faced with a battle that requires us to self-swaddle, overfeed and cry ourselves to sleep in order to win.

It is difficult to imagine what it would be like to be at an age when you are just beginning to try to debut the adult version of yourself, when the rest of the world is back to sucking on blocks of Lego, the Lego-suckers being the most mature amongst us.

But the lockdown is nearing its end and there is a whole generation of teenagers about to experience new realms of mundanity they’d not previously thought possible. It’s imperative that we, as a society, provide for this new generation’s transition into adulthood.

But since we’re all just figuring out how to, once again, make the successful shift into solid foods, we must cast another to play the role of ‘mother’.

And there’s none more fit for the role than someone so disproportionately wealthy and overvalued that to them a mass pandemic is psychologically equivalent to a mosquito buzzing around the impenetrable airspace of their billion-dollar compound.

In other words, Oprah Winfrey.

That’s right. To honour the class of 2020, Oprah Winfrey, Miley Cyrus, Tom Hanks, LeBron James, Dua Lipa and more stars are teaming up with Facebook and Instagram to host a virtual graduation ceremony. Winfrey will deliver the commencement address (a job she’s already well-versed in doing). Miley Cyrus will perform her hit single “The Climb.” Stars like Lil Nas X, Jennifer Garner, Simone Biles, and Awkwafina will address the class of 2020.

Absurdly rich, condescending, hypocritical and untouchable, it was our parents that suckled at her saccharine teats to get them through the 80s and 90s.

Now we’re all strapped in to our high chairs, plagued by a nonsensical gamut of uncomplex emotions guiding us to do nothing but eat, sleep and scream, it’s time for the unaffected matriarch to make a comeback.

 

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